journal of a broken wife entry 2/4/12

Saturday, February 4, 2012, 7:08 AM

Dear Friend, 

I  just wanted to update you a little, I think I will be writing to the women in my bible study to ask for prayers AGAIN. After his last attack, Things/life was going very well for about 2 weeks. His behavior has been more gentle and I have been able to keep everything under control. Maybe because of his Birthday and he has had alot of attention. I dont know why after all this time I make a big fuss over HIS birthday when he doesn't care for anyone else s but that's just me.

There have been a few minor things  that have happened the last few days that have made him  really fly off the handle.

We had an agreement right before our anniversary, that he would not use the word divorce again, He likes to use it as a weapon and then fights and forces me and stops me from leaving. the last time he did, calmly I agreed to his demand for divorce. I was very logical and matter of fact. No emotion no begging and just cooperative. Mostly because of what you and I talked about, i put my foot down. But that ended today.

 He had gotten angry with me. He was mad because I fold the comforter down the length of the bed, he is cold and I am hot, so it seems like logic to me.  I just stayed real calm and tried to be still and he told me i am a terrible wife, I am worthless and didn't deserve my wedding ring,I didnt cry, I was shocked!  so he came at me and forced it off my finger and threw it, it landed on the bed. I just held my hand. 


He must have felt bad because he went and picked it up and put it on the nightstand. Then he came back to me and said that i need to be ashamed of myself.

I stayed calm and didn't even cry, i just told him i wasn't letting it hurt. ( HA I just didn't want him to use it as a new weapon) I let myself mentally leave the room, I just stood there.

 Then the mood changed and he repeated his comments about how I should be ashamed but in a scolding, frustrated parent kind of way. I felt like I was a little girl. He lead me by the wrist down the stairs and a few minutes later he was making me hug him and sit near him which i just went along with. He wanted to put the ring back on but i told him NO, that i didn't want him to do that unless he was sure he wanted to work this out, that he was sure he could commit to not using break up as a threat.

 He was sweet and he promised and i let him put it on. That’s when I was just sobbing, a wreck. he tried to say he didn't realize it was my wedding ring but i cant imagine anything worse than someone removing your ring. i just numbed out. he patted my head and said "see, if you just cooperate and do what I tell you, thinks can be calm like this. I like you so demure. he went back to his recliner and started replaying CALL OF DUTY on the game.

 I sat there sobbing but quite until he got up and turned everything off. he came to me and said, lets go to be my Insolent girl, smiled and lead me by the hand up the stairs. at least it wasnt a regular attack. I just cried myself to sleep. he wants me to be broken. God I need you