Some good days and some bad

Life is so hard. its amazingly hard.

I am in a time of deep thought. something very very good and something very very sad is happening, all at the same time.

whats so good?
 about 2 years ago I was in the domestic violence shelter and saw a flyer for a group called the Angle Band project. they were looking for survivors to help them create a brand new thing. it was a virtual choir. So I took the biggest leap of faith in my life and looked into it. I think its in another post here but I will check Anyway,  here in St Louis there is a group called the Angel band Project. it is a music therapy group that was founded because of a young woman named Tracy Butz. she was attacked and murdered. So, her family keeps her alive by creating music and music therapy for sexual assault/imitate partner violence. you can read her story here. also donate or buy a CD http://angelbandproject.org/ 

so now 2 years after I was first introduced to them. They contacted me again and this time they plan on making a CD of survival. it is a tremendous undertaking and I will explain in another post. I have an assignment for next Tuesday which was to come up with songs and  lyrics from music that I love which defines me. I looked back to all my younger days and of course the ones from proms, weddings, breakup songs and those "KISS THIS "(arron tippin lol)
songs to make you stand up and fight. I will be spending alot of time being introspective. I thought I had done enough of that but I guess not. 

the not so good, my youngest son still draws further from me and further from the truth. I am afraid I rescued him from one narcissistic abuser and then sent him to college to find himself where he only found more of them. I am at an impasse. 

Handling the now EX-in laws

This was an email that I sent to my Mother in law 2 days after the break up of my 1st Marriage.  I tried my best to seem gracius and loving even though my husband left because he felt that my new diagnosis of Muscular Dystrophy was going to be a burden.  A few days after this letter, Bob decided to make sure we would never be a family again. He attacked my 10yr old son with his little 8 yr old brother watching. It has had a ripple effect that we feel full strength 20+ years later.   

His Family never did get involved or show interest in the boys. my advice is STILL to kill them with kindness and do whats best for the kids. 

These are the boys at the ages of 10 and 7. 

Betty,

I WAS SURPRISED AND A BIT TO SEE YOU ALL SENT A CARD AND GIFT. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THANK YOU BUT  THERE WAS NO ANNIVERSARY AND THERE WONT BE AGAIN. THEY WILL BE RETURNED TO YOU.

 

 I DON'T KNOW WHO HAS BEEN TALKING TO BOB BUT IT WORKED. HE IS REALIZING THE CHAINS THAT BEING MARRIED TO A UNHEALTHY PERSON HAVE BEEN PULLING HIM UNDER. AND HE IS MISSING OUT ON HIS YOUTH.     ( I guess I was a bit sarcastic in my 30's)

 

I ASSUME HE DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND THE "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH PART" OF THE WEDDING,  BUT THAT'S FINE, I'VE KNOWN IT FOR A LONG TIME AND DON'T WANT TO FORCE HIM TO GIVE  WHAT HE CAN'T. I WISH HIM THE BEST. WE WILL BE FRIENDLY AND HAVE AGREED TO MAKE IT CORPORATIVE AND AS POSITIVE FOR THE BOYS AS WE CAN.

 

I HAVE TWO THINGS I NEED TO ASK FOR FROM THE MASON FAMILY.

 

FIRST, YOU DON'T NEED TO LIKE ME, I DON'T MIND. BUT MY SONS DO. I WILL HAVE A STRICT RULE THAT NO ONE    IN MY FAMILY (ESPECIALLY ME) WILL  BE NEGATIVE OR DISRESPECT BOB IN ANY WAY, WHEN THEY ARE AROUND.  ( I kept my promise  )

 I WOULD LIKE TO ASK THE SAME OF YOU. YOU ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS AND OPINIONS. I JUST FEEL STRONGLY THAT ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS WILL  FORCE THEM TO DEFEND ONE OF US AND IT'S NOT THEIR ISSUE. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT GREATLY.

 

SECOND, I WANT YOU ALL  TO FEEL COMFORTABLE  ATTENDING ANY SCHOOL FUNCTION, TAE KWONDO, OR CUBS CUB SCOUTS, or TAKE THEM FOR DINNER OR WEEKEND.  

YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME AND ENCOURAGED, IT MEANS THE WORLD TO THEM, THEY WILL NEED ALL THE SUPPORT THEY CAN GET- I WILL DO MY BEST TO ARRANGE WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE.

FOR THEIR SAKE I DON'T SEE WHY IT HAS TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE .

 LAST CHRISTMAS IT WAS VERY HARD ON JESSE. HE FELT GUILTY ABOUT HAVING TO CHOOSE ONE OF US TO BE BY. (we broke up temporarily the year before. there were tons of promises that life would be better) I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT AGAIN.   

 NO WORRIES ABOUT HOLIDAYS, WE WILL DO TWO OF EVERYTHING.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CALL THEM AT ANY TIME.... FEEL FREE, I HAVE CALLER ID AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK TO ME.  

THEY MISS YOU AND KNOW YOU DON'T CALL BECAUSE OF ME. 414-483-0091 PLEASE CONSIDER THE IDEA.

 

THAT IS ALL I WANTED TO SAY. I HOPE YOU ALL FIND PEACE AND HAPPINESS.

1-24-2016- I don't think I ever spoke to them again. they never accepted responsibility for their role with my sons. its a shame and has hurt them drastically but I stand by the theory of family involvement even when it hurts you to do it. 

 

So here is the question?
Can I go to the hospital and tell them that I have broken over and over throughout my life and even though all these people in the process of breaking seem to be leaning on my strength?

I  tell people all the time that it is safe to call hotlines. it is helpful to reach out. that there is no shame in mental health issues. I do everything I can to make their lives better. 

my friend Angel said to me, in the middle of a story I was telling her of my life, "how are you still alive? how are you still here?"

I really don't know. sometimes I ask myself that question but sometimes I can't stop to think about it.  what would really happen? . 

Life lesson,walking a mile in someone else's shoes can save your life

I have been fighting for my life my whole life.

 My mom wanted children. I think in part because after saying yes to my father when he asked the question "Laura will you marry me" Her answer of "YES" came with the condition she quit her job immediately. It was 1968 and I dont think he got the memo that women could work outside the home. So, children were what came next. I will tell you a little about both.

 James Scott Griffith II- I am not sure why my father wanted a child, or 4 children, except that when life/God/fate deprived him from the Manly duty to work and provide the only male thing left to do was father children.  some of this is said with bitterness, sadness and empathy because there was no one to lead this man. I always joked that he was a rebel without a clue lol.He had his idols like James Dean ( had to have the smokes rolled in his shirt sleeve) and Elvis was his idol.  He had a German father whom he lost at the age 46 from an aneurysm that burst as he got out of his car, rushing up to be at my Grandmothers side for the birth of his last son,Jack. 

I am told my Paternal grandmother was very Matter of Fact when It came to my father and his handicaps. That he was born with a hole in his back and they did not know to much about it at the time.here is a link through web md to give you a idea of spina-bifida.  It is really something I stand behind and wish to see more studies done concerning this condition. I think I will discuss in detail on another page because it is an ever present roll in my life.   lets just say he was not really a bad kid, just bored to tears. he would miss school so often do to the extreme pain in his back. he had 4 brothers and a sister. My aunt was my grandmothers favorite. My father had to drop out of school when he was at a 9th grade level because of his age, behavior and health. He was smart, cunning and oh so charming but also old fashioned. He would try to work, get jobs with his buddies but once they did the physical, he was fired. I think what made him even more miserable and angry was that he received a 4-F status which meant he was unfit for military duty. I am sure part of him was glad that he wasn't drafted but it was very shameful at the time. The war didn't end until 1975 and he lost a lot of his friends that way, for his it was just another confirmation that he was NOT FIT TO BE A MAN. later that had dire consequences for his family. He was mad at the world and mad at God for it. He would spend his 47 years bitter and fighting for control and dominance. 

 That started with my Mom. she was a sweet and innocent  receptionist who could type like the dickens. She worked for the dept of agriculture for the state of WI. she came from a big (11) Irish/German and french descent. my grandfather was a nasty Irishmen. 
         On the day my mom said yes to his proposal he called her boss and told her that she quit. No wife of his would work. That meant we were welfare babies. 

My Mom and Dad

I was raised thinking I was never good enough. My father told me on a regular basis " your brothers will be fine in life. they are boys and can live in their car if they have to. YOU are never going to graduate HS, you will be knocked up before that and then you will be taken off my hands by the first guy that can stand you. YOU will have to clean his house, feed him and do what your told. You better get your head straight girl...........if you want to butt heads with him, he will beat the hell out of you until you understand." this was the reason I was made to cook, clean and shop for my family of 6 when I was 8. it started in first grade with doing all of the laundry, shut in a basement with the piles and piles until I couldn't stand.then at about 3rd grade I had to do the dishes every night. 5th Grade I was using the food stamps and cooking. 

  He told me stories of a husband on the news who beat and sexually abused  his wife with the broomstick when his dinner wasn't on the table at the right time.   At the time I though that he might have been trying to use reverse psychology on me, because he knew I was stubborn by design and to much like him. 

Daily beatings/spankings or other punishments were common for me and my brother who was a year younger. we had so many responsibilities it was nuts. mostly to care for the other kids (brother G was 4 yrs younger and sister was 5yrs younger)

 REALIZATION #1 THAT CHANGED MY LIFE-

I had realized at about 7-9yrs old that I truly controlled my father and had amazing power. Now I know I  was dissociating ( a well know coping mechanism found in trauma victims. Dissociative-Disorders  and NOT healthy. I didn't have access to mental health services )when I occurs I would leave my body and just sort of stand there watching what was going on and I didn't feel any pain when he beat me with his belt, I refused to cry. It was the strangest feeling ever. I can remember thinking "Wow, she is really getting hit, why doesn't she give up?" After that, I woke up in my bed, hurting all over but not sure how I got there. 

Whenever he ordered me onto what ever abusive situation, I would hold my head up high and bravely walk right into whatever it was. I then got ready and just left myself float. the anger that raged through my father was scary even in the dissociation state (I am not sure that is normal) 
Because of my recent history, I can honestly say that the beating I endured had to have been enough to scare off the heaviest BDSM player. 

I think movies like the Deer Hunter, Cool Hand Luke and apocalypse Now, had some influence on his mind.  when normal punishment didn't work he had many others. That might be for a different blog. My dad used sleep deprivation and mental and emotional abuse  not long after I had started to deprive him of his outlet for anger and hate. My brother and I were without a doubt tortured. 

 SO what happened to me? Did Graduate, have a baby and live with my parents only to live with an abusive husband who required me to wait on him hand and foot? 

By the Grace of God I graduated High school ( great story coming about that) on time.I got into counseling the minute I had a job with insurance.

My sister and I 1987

 I did not get pregnant or even had sex until I was Married.  I married a Navy man at 22. had 2 sons :) Jes was in 1991 and BJ was 1994. He did end up being mentally, emotionally and financially abusive and I left him after he attacked my oldest son. Jes was 10.  

My sons and me right after Bj was born -1994

I was single and happy for 4 years and then I met my 2nd husband online, not a dating sight but Myspace.  we were together 8 yrs. I had a wonderful 4 yr old stepdaughter come into my life at the age of 40, it was a good shot in the arm. But, sadly he was even more abusive than my 1st. he suffers from a Narcissistic personality disorder and the lesson I learned came in handy once again. I was lucky enough to escape him June 16,2013.  

there will be more stories to come. I will tell you though. the lesson I was taught has got me to where I am today. I learned what made angry men tick. I learned how to stay somewhat safe. I learned that the body will protect itself anyway it can. I went to a Domestic Violence shelter and then a transitional living program, from there I can not say because it isnt safe. 
Thank you sooo sooo much for reading this :)

my first discoveries of a Narcissistic personality disordered Man

Narcissist: 
This is not a bashing look at the men who abuse. it is just one side to the confusing sides of Narcissism. So this is for understanding. 

I am not a doctor or educated in psychology. I am a woman who realized around the 1st of 2013 the word Narcissism. I was looking over and over the internet to find out what possibly could have made my father and 2 husbands (total of 20ish years) and most devastatingly 2 young adult sons that are showing the Narcissistic traits. the oldest Jes is 23 and I am 75% sure he has the disorder. along with the Bipolar 1. the youngest is in his early 20's and has been a mama's boy all his life, I am not sure if he has the traits or just acting how he has been shown over the last 7 yrs. I hope there is hope for both.  one thing I learned by reading absolutely every bit of information is that my father, 1st husband and second husband without a doubt are suffering from NPD. SO with the perspective of a child, who say her father change into it and then through intense psychotherapy got markedly better (another story). then a wife of one who I witnessed the birth of his illness to the breakdown of his life 20yrs later. and the wife of an older Narc who had already abused one wife before me. and as I said watching the birth of my sons symptoms.  here is a bit of what I have learned:   

I have learned that its actually simple. they HATE themselves.

They hate themselves for whatever mental illness they have, for being different, because they cant make it go away,  for whatever abusive person made them think they are worthless and will never have love. ( where the distrust and sabotage starts, if your convinced you are unlovable them I must be lying when I say nice things about them) They hate that it is so easy for others. They are frustrated when their plan doesn't work.  That is where the typical symptom of isolating a partner comes in, they have to make sure no one shares notes or adds it all up. 

  

The guilt and shame eats at their brains ( like ours will if we don't get our help) but when they have gotten to the level where they are in a relationship, it is all buried so deep and covered with arrogance, self love and narcissism. 

When we come in
When you see double standards or a rule that makes no sense, its because all that is seeping out and they have to do something BIG to stuff it back down. They punish themselves by guaranteed loneliness, rejection and someone who might hate them as much as they hate themselves. even if they find a woman (the ones the look for like us) who is good, nurturing, empathetic and loyal, then they have to push her to prove that they cant be loved.

 I often asked myself, why did I stay when it was escalating? moving more and more towards the day when he would hit or try to kill me. It's because am an emphatic person. I saw what he was hiding. His self destruction, I figured him out and once I did, he didn't have the same power over me.  

Their cycle

• I hate myself- I am alone. others are laughing at me because I am alone. - when I am not alone, someone can tell me every day that they love me, they can keep the hate down, I need someone- they discover the right role to play to get the girl- The girl is losing strength- she isn't the one to keep me up-  I will push her away- damn she is loyal - she stayed and now I hate myself that I did that- I have to get her to leave or she will overpower me-  will push harder, then she will leave- she stayed, she is stronger than I am, I hate myself more- I will make it impossible for her to stay, she WILL abandon me, I will get comfort and help, I can restart with someone who doesn't know-  :( the unthinkable has happened and she has her breaking point- SHE LEFT, I hate myself and this is what I deserve. 

I know I have been damaged for life but I also know, I would rather go through all the abuse again rater than be inside my abusers heads for a day. The torment is real. 
  

I also know that there is basically zero amount of help available to these men, even if they could bring themselves to look into that mirror truthfully. 

My own son is standing on the edge of being and abuser, of not being able to shed the typical narcissistic tenancies of teenagers. He was abused, he has no way of coping with it because the man who did it is BIGGER AND MEANER than life itself, so who does he have as a release in the pressure cooker in his head? its always the mom first.
So if you are blaming his Mom or Dad for your Narcs behavior, realize they were his first victim. we have also been living in darkness until recently. there was no help or understanding let alone treatment. Pray with me that there is a change in that strong enough to change the patterns. 

OK, let me tell you this. you can heal, you can get better and you can rest assured, IT WASN'T YOU. Leave them to their own journey. you cant go where they are going. Do your best to heal yourself and to be sure the next man you trust does not need to be fixed, healed or even a history. love is blind but when you have been hurt this bad.... you need new eyes. I hope this helps

Journal entry of a broken wife 2-6-12

It's 2-6-12
     Things get worse and worse. I feel like I will never ever be able to sort though the messes he makes. I am always going to be caring a load not meant for me. I think he makes these crisis or chaotic conditions on purpose. He reminds me of my childhood when Dad would call my name every hour, or 2 hours just to have my sleep disrupted. just to keep me tired so I couldnt/cant remember everything. 

   I am the WIFE and he is the Head of the household and I dont work outside the house for the family income (of course I had to fight like hell to get Bob to pay child support and I have always taken care of those boys,plus I have disability so I still bring income into our home. I am not sure why he would think that I do nothing.) anyway, according to him, MY duties are ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING either about the house, the people in it or anything connected to it including the people.

In the beginning I did things for him out of love. ofcourse he did his own laundry and shopping but when I was doing them for 4 (the kids and I) I might as well do his as well. I was making the boys lunch so I might as well make his too. it seemed easy enough. I was the "stay at home mom" while Sharon (Michaela's mom) worked full time. 

When I first met him he had a home that, in his divorce from his first wife, had to be sold. apparently he trying and it just wouldnt sell so my teen sons and I had to paint the house, do all house work, helped him redo the landscape. 

with most abusive controlling men, it isnt an all of the sudden kind of thing. its slow and gradual. the list gets longer for me, the lazy time gets longer for him. never once being demaning or angry before the wedding day. 

AFTER the wedding 1-17-2009 all hell broke loose. 

Along with that suddenly my duties included  registering the kids for school, get school clothes, supplies for all 3, transportation, creating money management, billing and all accounts. taking all vehicles to get auto repairs and inspections,  oil changes, managing yard work,taxes,finding a places available to rent every year that we moved and with that I had to solely packing entire household each time we moved. we moved so much because either he got fired or he had abused me in the house before and  just couldn't live there anymore. finalizing the deals, doctors,where money is going to come from for WHATEVER he wanted or need, without the luxury of knowing how much he would make or if he would take time off and the checks would be shorter.

In the last few years his responsibilities were to go to work, stay for how ever long he felt he deserved to. sometimes it was noon and rarely it was 5-7 like he told them. he just did what he wanted. so he went to work, drove home, handed me his lunchbox, went upstairs and changed clothes. then he sat on his recliner and turned the Xbox on. Call of duty for the next 6-9 housed. only stopping to have his meal brought to him....First. 

SO today I found out today, by reading his email for him.  that DH ( Dear husband)never changed his address with the state board of nursing when we moved.. anyway,  we were never notified that his license got suspended, I didn't know you have to renew a RN licence. 

We also didn’t file 2010 taxes yet (i couldn’t get him to call his old employer to get a new copy of the W2 because he didn’t change that address either and they wouldn’t release anything to me) so finally he is panicked enough to have called today and (not taking care of it himself) he gives his permission for ME TO HANDLE IT. it was a rush because he didn't want his employer knowing he had been practicing nursing without a licence for 6 months.  

 It took me 4 hours and 3 trips to the Ups store for faxing. I was pulling my hair out but he just sat and played his video games but I got it filed. I admit I wasnt completely pleasent because I was tired and stressed  and had not eaten. he didn't thank me, instead The stress of this issue sent him into a full blame and hate  tirade.

he screamed at me and told me it was all my fault, and how selfish I was to not realize that  I should be to ashamed to live. how could I embarrass him like this. Both DSD (dear stepdaughter) and my youngest son were in the house.  

I tried to calm him. first I tried to let him know that it wasn't my fault and that he had not even helped me. I tried to get him a cup of coffee reheated so he might stop yelling and go lay back down. 

Now I know he was mad at himself for being irresponsible with something so important. obviously he hated feeling at fault. Now he could look at me and understand, I had figured him out and I was NEVER going to utter the words "I am sorry for messing up your career with my neglect. "
   
He again said "that’s it, we are filing for divorce and I will be done with this shit, you wont be able to touch my money and I will finally have it. " 
he told me that it is never going to work out because I am incapable. then he really reaches and starts manufacturing reasons like ,

 "You are so mean to DsD."  "You put her down and tell her she is fat" 

"You F***in need to be in  drug rehab because Your faking disablity, when your  just stoned and lazy." " you are so stupid, but of course you try to get us to believe you went college" that is so funny and idiot going to college" "You are a horrible mother and cant keep a house,  we live in filth." ( i can see if he comes home from work every night and has to clean up a mess or something but he won’t lift one finger to even carry a basket for me, he just sits there, plays video games for hours  and waits to be waited on for his dinner and I just do the best I can)

I have muscular dystrophy, fibromyaliga and I hold us all together. debt free BTW.     I got very scard and thought that he was going to attack me. SO I gave in and told him I knew he hates me. He then just walked away from me. 

 I was done putting out all the fires we had going at the time, while he stood there and did nothing but criticize and call me names, then he sort of does a creepy thing where suddenly the storm has passed and he wanted to be sweet and I looked at him and told him that he wins, that I will give him what he wants, a divorce. that’s when he got sad and told me no, he doesn’t want divorce, he wants to be with me more than anything, he wants us to buy a house so we don't have to pay taxes next year and all will be happy ................but............


”You just have to change.”  he said he says and does what he does because I think I am perfect and never wrong and if someone doesn’t tell me how bad I am I will walk around delusional, we don't need ideas like that filling my head. I have enough of an ego. hahaha"

I have been going to counseling the whole time I have been here. I have had my hormones, hearing and cognitive abilities and I am just fine. Again, the kids are here. I know DSD hears but my son has his headphones in. sometimes I dont mind the clam of the storm. he normally tries to be sweet.   

journal of a broken wife entry 2/4/12

Saturday, February 4, 2012, 7:08 AM

Dear Friend, 

I  just wanted to update you a little, I think I will be writing to the women in my bible study to ask for prayers AGAIN. After his last attack, Things/life was going very well for about 2 weeks. His behavior has been more gentle and I have been able to keep everything under control. Maybe because of his Birthday and he has had alot of attention. I dont know why after all this time I make a big fuss over HIS birthday when he doesn't care for anyone else s but that's just me.

There have been a few minor things  that have happened the last few days that have made him  really fly off the handle.

We had an agreement right before our anniversary, that he would not use the word divorce again, He likes to use it as a weapon and then fights and forces me and stops me from leaving. the last time he did, calmly I agreed to his demand for divorce. I was very logical and matter of fact. No emotion no begging and just cooperative. Mostly because of what you and I talked about, i put my foot down. But that ended today.

 He had gotten angry with me. He was mad because I fold the comforter down the length of the bed, he is cold and I am hot, so it seems like logic to me.  I just stayed real calm and tried to be still and he told me i am a terrible wife, I am worthless and didn't deserve my wedding ring,I didnt cry, I was shocked!  so he came at me and forced it off my finger and threw it, it landed on the bed. I just held my hand. 


He must have felt bad because he went and picked it up and put it on the nightstand. Then he came back to me and said that i need to be ashamed of myself.

I stayed calm and didn't even cry, i just told him i wasn't letting it hurt. ( HA I just didn't want him to use it as a new weapon) I let myself mentally leave the room, I just stood there.

 Then the mood changed and he repeated his comments about how I should be ashamed but in a scolding, frustrated parent kind of way. I felt like I was a little girl. He lead me by the wrist down the stairs and a few minutes later he was making me hug him and sit near him which i just went along with. He wanted to put the ring back on but i told him NO, that i didn't want him to do that unless he was sure he wanted to work this out, that he was sure he could commit to not using break up as a threat.

 He was sweet and he promised and i let him put it on. That’s when I was just sobbing, a wreck. he tried to say he didn't realize it was my wedding ring but i cant imagine anything worse than someone removing your ring. i just numbed out. he patted my head and said "see, if you just cooperate and do what I tell you, thinks can be calm like this. I like you so demure. he went back to his recliner and started replaying CALL OF DUTY on the game.

 I sat there sobbing but quite until he got up and turned everything off. he came to me and said, lets go to be my Insolent girl, smiled and lead me by the hand up the stairs. at least it wasnt a regular attack. I just cried myself to sleep. he wants me to be broken. God I need you