So here is the question?
Can I go to the hospital and tell them that I have broken over and over throughout my life and even though all these people in the process of breaking seem to be leaning on my strength?

I  tell people all the time that it is safe to call hotlines. it is helpful to reach out. that there is no shame in mental health issues. I do everything I can to make their lives better. 

my friend Angel said to me, in the middle of a story I was telling her of my life, "how are you still alive? how are you still here?"

I really don't know. sometimes I ask myself that question but sometimes I can't stop to think about it.  what would really happen? . 

Life lesson,walking a mile in someone else's shoes can save your life

I have been fighting for my life my whole life.

 My mom wanted children. I think in part because after saying yes to my father when he asked the question "Laura will you marry me" Her answer of "YES" came with the condition she quit her job immediately. It was 1968 and I dont think he got the memo that women could work outside the home. So, children were what came next. I will tell you a little about both.

 James Scott Griffith II- I am not sure why my father wanted a child, or 4 children, except that when life/God/fate deprived him from the Manly duty to work and provide the only male thing left to do was father children.  some of this is said with bitterness, sadness and empathy because there was no one to lead this man. I always joked that he was a rebel without a clue lol.He had his idols like James Dean ( had to have the smokes rolled in his shirt sleeve) and Elvis was his idol.  He had a German father whom he lost at the age 46 from an aneurysm that burst as he got out of his car, rushing up to be at my Grandmothers side for the birth of his last son,Jack. 

I am told my Paternal grandmother was very Matter of Fact when It came to my father and his handicaps. That he was born with a hole in his back and they did not know to much about it at the time.here is a link through web md to give you a idea of spina-bifida.  It is really something I stand behind and wish to see more studies done concerning this condition. I think I will discuss in detail on another page because it is an ever present roll in my life.   lets just say he was not really a bad kid, just bored to tears. he would miss school so often do to the extreme pain in his back. he had 4 brothers and a sister. My aunt was my grandmothers favorite. My father had to drop out of school when he was at a 9th grade level because of his age, behavior and health. He was smart, cunning and oh so charming but also old fashioned. He would try to work, get jobs with his buddies but once they did the physical, he was fired. I think what made him even more miserable and angry was that he received a 4-F status which meant he was unfit for military duty. I am sure part of him was glad that he wasn't drafted but it was very shameful at the time. The war didn't end until 1975 and he lost a lot of his friends that way, for his it was just another confirmation that he was NOT FIT TO BE A MAN. later that had dire consequences for his family. He was mad at the world and mad at God for it. He would spend his 47 years bitter and fighting for control and dominance. 

 That started with my Mom. she was a sweet and innocent  receptionist who could type like the dickens. She worked for the dept of agriculture for the state of WI. she came from a big (11) Irish/German and french descent. my grandfather was a nasty Irishmen. 
         On the day my mom said yes to his proposal he called her boss and told her that she quit. No wife of his would work. That meant we were welfare babies. 

My Mom and Dad

I was raised thinking I was never good enough. My father told me on a regular basis " your brothers will be fine in life. they are boys and can live in their car if they have to. YOU are never going to graduate HS, you will be knocked up before that and then you will be taken off my hands by the first guy that can stand you. YOU will have to clean his house, feed him and do what your told. You better get your head straight girl...........if you want to butt heads with him, he will beat the hell out of you until you understand." this was the reason I was made to cook, clean and shop for my family of 6 when I was 8. it started in first grade with doing all of the laundry, shut in a basement with the piles and piles until I couldn't stand.then at about 3rd grade I had to do the dishes every night. 5th Grade I was using the food stamps and cooking. 

  He told me stories of a husband on the news who beat and sexually abused  his wife with the broomstick when his dinner wasn't on the table at the right time.   At the time I though that he might have been trying to use reverse psychology on me, because he knew I was stubborn by design and to much like him. 

Daily beatings/spankings or other punishments were common for me and my brother who was a year younger. we had so many responsibilities it was nuts. mostly to care for the other kids (brother G was 4 yrs younger and sister was 5yrs younger)

 REALIZATION #1 THAT CHANGED MY LIFE-

I had realized at about 7-9yrs old that I truly controlled my father and had amazing power. Now I know I  was dissociating ( a well know coping mechanism found in trauma victims. Dissociative-Disorders  and NOT healthy. I didn't have access to mental health services )when I occurs I would leave my body and just sort of stand there watching what was going on and I didn't feel any pain when he beat me with his belt, I refused to cry. It was the strangest feeling ever. I can remember thinking "Wow, she is really getting hit, why doesn't she give up?" After that, I woke up in my bed, hurting all over but not sure how I got there. 

Whenever he ordered me onto what ever abusive situation, I would hold my head up high and bravely walk right into whatever it was. I then got ready and just left myself float. the anger that raged through my father was scary even in the dissociation state (I am not sure that is normal) 
Because of my recent history, I can honestly say that the beating I endured had to have been enough to scare off the heaviest BDSM player. 

I think movies like the Deer Hunter, Cool Hand Luke and apocalypse Now, had some influence on his mind.  when normal punishment didn't work he had many others. That might be for a different blog. My dad used sleep deprivation and mental and emotional abuse  not long after I had started to deprive him of his outlet for anger and hate. My brother and I were without a doubt tortured. 

 SO what happened to me? Did Graduate, have a baby and live with my parents only to live with an abusive husband who required me to wait on him hand and foot? 

By the Grace of God I graduated High school ( great story coming about that) on time.I got into counseling the minute I had a job with insurance.

My sister and I 1987

 I did not get pregnant or even had sex until I was Married.  I married a Navy man at 22. had 2 sons :) Jes was in 1991 and BJ was 1994. He did end up being mentally, emotionally and financially abusive and I left him after he attacked my oldest son. Jes was 10.  

My sons and me right after Bj was born -1994

I was single and happy for 4 years and then I met my 2nd husband online, not a dating sight but Myspace.  we were together 8 yrs. I had a wonderful 4 yr old stepdaughter come into my life at the age of 40, it was a good shot in the arm. But, sadly he was even more abusive than my 1st. he suffers from a Narcissistic personality disorder and the lesson I learned came in handy once again. I was lucky enough to escape him June 16,2013.  

there will be more stories to come. I will tell you though. the lesson I was taught has got me to where I am today. I learned what made angry men tick. I learned how to stay somewhat safe. I learned that the body will protect itself anyway it can. I went to a Domestic Violence shelter and then a transitional living program, from there I can not say because it isnt safe. 
Thank you sooo sooo much for reading this :)

my first discoveries of a Narcissistic personality disordered Man

Narcissist: 
This is not a bashing look at the men who abuse. it is just one side to the confusing sides of Narcissism. So this is for understanding. 

I am not a doctor or educated in psychology. I am a woman who realized around the 1st of 2013 the word Narcissism. I was looking over and over the internet to find out what possibly could have made my father and 2 husbands (total of 20ish years) and most devastatingly 2 young adult sons that are showing the Narcissistic traits. the oldest Jes is 23 and I am 75% sure he has the disorder. along with the Bipolar 1. the youngest is in his early 20's and has been a mama's boy all his life, I am not sure if he has the traits or just acting how he has been shown over the last 7 yrs. I hope there is hope for both.  one thing I learned by reading absolutely every bit of information is that my father, 1st husband and second husband without a doubt are suffering from NPD. SO with the perspective of a child, who say her father change into it and then through intense psychotherapy got markedly better (another story). then a wife of one who I witnessed the birth of his illness to the breakdown of his life 20yrs later. and the wife of an older Narc who had already abused one wife before me. and as I said watching the birth of my sons symptoms.  here is a bit of what I have learned:   

I have learned that its actually simple. they HATE themselves.

They hate themselves for whatever mental illness they have, for being different, because they cant make it go away,  for whatever abusive person made them think they are worthless and will never have love. ( where the distrust and sabotage starts, if your convinced you are unlovable them I must be lying when I say nice things about them) They hate that it is so easy for others. They are frustrated when their plan doesn't work.  That is where the typical symptom of isolating a partner comes in, they have to make sure no one shares notes or adds it all up. 

  

The guilt and shame eats at their brains ( like ours will if we don't get our help) but when they have gotten to the level where they are in a relationship, it is all buried so deep and covered with arrogance, self love and narcissism. 

When we come in
When you see double standards or a rule that makes no sense, its because all that is seeping out and they have to do something BIG to stuff it back down. They punish themselves by guaranteed loneliness, rejection and someone who might hate them as much as they hate themselves. even if they find a woman (the ones the look for like us) who is good, nurturing, empathetic and loyal, then they have to push her to prove that they cant be loved.

 I often asked myself, why did I stay when it was escalating? moving more and more towards the day when he would hit or try to kill me. It's because am an emphatic person. I saw what he was hiding. His self destruction, I figured him out and once I did, he didn't have the same power over me.  

Their cycle

• I hate myself- I am alone. others are laughing at me because I am alone. - when I am not alone, someone can tell me every day that they love me, they can keep the hate down, I need someone- they discover the right role to play to get the girl- The girl is losing strength- she isn't the one to keep me up-  I will push her away- damn she is loyal - she stayed and now I hate myself that I did that- I have to get her to leave or she will overpower me-  will push harder, then she will leave- she stayed, she is stronger than I am, I hate myself more- I will make it impossible for her to stay, she WILL abandon me, I will get comfort and help, I can restart with someone who doesn't know-  :( the unthinkable has happened and she has her breaking point- SHE LEFT, I hate myself and this is what I deserve. 

I know I have been damaged for life but I also know, I would rather go through all the abuse again rater than be inside my abusers heads for a day. The torment is real. 
  

I also know that there is basically zero amount of help available to these men, even if they could bring themselves to look into that mirror truthfully. 

My own son is standing on the edge of being and abuser, of not being able to shed the typical narcissistic tenancies of teenagers. He was abused, he has no way of coping with it because the man who did it is BIGGER AND MEANER than life itself, so who does he have as a release in the pressure cooker in his head? its always the mom first.
So if you are blaming his Mom or Dad for your Narcs behavior, realize they were his first victim. we have also been living in darkness until recently. there was no help or understanding let alone treatment. Pray with me that there is a change in that strong enough to change the patterns. 

OK, let me tell you this. you can heal, you can get better and you can rest assured, IT WASN'T YOU. Leave them to their own journey. you cant go where they are going. Do your best to heal yourself and to be sure the next man you trust does not need to be fixed, healed or even a history. love is blind but when you have been hurt this bad.... you need new eyes. I hope this helps