So here is the question?
Can I go to the hospital and tell them that I have broken over and over throughout my life and even though all these people in the process of breaking seem to be leaning on my strength?

I  tell people all the time that it is safe to call hotlines. it is helpful to reach out. that there is no shame in mental health issues. I do everything I can to make their lives better. 

my friend Angel said to me, in the middle of a story I was telling her of my life, "how are you still alive? how are you still here?"

I really don't know. sometimes I ask myself that question but sometimes I can't stop to think about it.  what would really happen? .