This is not a bashing look at the men who abuse. it is just one side to the confusing sides of Narcissism. So this is for understanding.
I am not a doctor or educated in psychology. I am a woman who realized around the 1st of 2013 the word Narcissism. I was looking over and over the internet to find out what possibly could have made my father and 2 husbands (total of 20ish years) and most devastatingly 2 young adult sons that are showing the Narcissistic traits. the oldest Jes is 23 and I am 75% sure he has the disorder. along with the Bipolar 1. the youngest is in his early 20's and has been a mama's boy all his life, I am not sure if he has the traits or just acting how he has been shown over the last 7 yrs. I hope there is hope for both. one thing I learned by reading absolutely every bit of information is that my father, 1st husband and second husband without a doubt are suffering from NPD. SO with the perspective of a child, who say her father change into it and then through intense psychotherapy got markedly better (another story). then a wife of one who I witnessed the birth of his illness to the breakdown of his life 20yrs later. and the wife of an older Narc who had already abused one wife before me. and as I said watching the birth of my sons symptoms. here is a bit of what I have learned:
I have learned that its actually simple. they HATE themselves.
They hate themselves for whatever mental illness they have, for being different, because they cant make it go away, for whatever abusive person made them think they are worthless and will never have love. ( where the distrust and sabotage starts, if your convinced you are unlovable them I must be lying when I say nice things about them) They hate that it is so easy for others. They are frustrated when their plan doesn't work. That is where the typical symptom of isolating a partner comes in, they have to make sure no one shares notes or adds it all up.
The guilt and shame eats at their brains ( like ours will if we don't get our help) but when they have gotten to the level where they are in a relationship, it is all buried so deep and covered with arrogance, self love and narcissism.
When we come in
When you see double standards or a rule that makes no sense, its because all that is seeping out and they have to do something BIG to stuff it back down. They punish themselves by guaranteed loneliness, rejection and someone who might hate them as much as they hate themselves. even if they find a woman (the ones the look for like us) who is good, nurturing, empathetic and loyal, then they have to push her to prove that they cant be loved.
I often asked myself, why did I stay when it was escalating? moving more and more towards the day when he would hit or try to kill me. It's because am an emphatic person. I saw what he was hiding. His self destruction, I figured him out and once I did, he didn't have the same power over me.
Their cycle
- I hate myself- I am alone. others are laughing at me because I am alone. - when I am not alone, someone can tell me every day that they love me, they can keep the hate down, I need someone- they discover the right role to play to get the girl- The girl is losing strength- she isn't the one to keep me up- I will push her away- damn she is loyal - she stayed and now I hate myself that I did that- I have to get her to leave or she will overpower me- will push harder, then she will leave- she stayed, she is stronger than I am, I hate myself more- I will make it impossible for her to stay, she WILL abandon me, I will get comfort and help, I can restart with someone who doesn't know- :( the unthinkable has happened and she has her breaking point- SHE LEFT, I hate myself and this is what I deserve.
I know I have been damaged for life but I also know, I would rather go through all the abuse again rater than be inside my abusers heads for a day. The torment is real.
I also know that there is basically zero amount of help available to these men, even if they could bring themselves to look into that mirror truthfully.
My own son is standing on the edge of being and abuser, of not being able to shed the typical narcissistic tenancies of teenagers. He was abused, he has no way of coping with it because the man who did it is BIGGER AND MEANER than life itself, so who does he have as a release in the pressure cooker in his head? its always the mom first.
So if you are blaming his Mom or Dad for your Narcs behavior, realize they were his first victim. we have also been living in darkness until recently. there was no help or understanding let alone treatment. Pray with me that there is a change in that strong enough to change the patterns.
OK, let me tell you this. you can heal, you can get better and you can rest assured, IT WASN'T YOU. Leave them to their own journey. you cant go where they are going. Do your best to heal yourself and to be sure the next man you trust does not need to be fixed, healed or even a history. love is blind but when you have been hurt this bad.... you need new eyes. I hope this helps
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